Just got home from archery and dinner (small party tonight--it was just netcurmudgeon and me). I have made an improvement, arching-wise; now I need to work on my consistency. But on the good shots (which are coming more frequently) I can feel how much more control I have. Some of this is better and more consistent stance and breath awareness; some of it is steadier aim as the climbing and kayaking makes me stronger.

Aim is dynamic. Like balance.

Like everything else in life.

Dinner was at Rocco's, my favorite local Italian place, and I have enough carbohydrates in my system now to run a marathon tomorrow. (Best wild mushroom ravioli evar. Testimonial!)

And now I have three and a half totally unscheduled days in front of me, and my roomie will by on a white water trip, so I can have a great big introvert fit--which is an incredible luxury. I have a lot of work to do on those days, but the mere fact of not having to wedge it in around other obligations (obligations, I hasten to add, that I mostly enjoy) makes it seem almost leisurely. I'm also going to make zucchini bread and banana bread, by god. Because I can.

And right now, I need to finish reading a book I have to write a review for.

It's a great life if you don't weaken.

So as those of you who have been around a while are aware, I have some somewhat nonstandard brain wiring and chemistry going on. *****

I'm out about it, because I'm what passes for a public figure on a really bad news day, and who the hell knows--there's so much scare out there about bipolar that maybe it will help somebody to see somebody else with a fairly fucking acute case, who is nevertheless functional, creative, realistic, moderately successful, and not yet dead.****

Normally, I don't blog about it too much, because it's boring, but what's going on right now is actually interesting.

Short form: I'm bipolar I, ultra-rapid cycling**, and I have had that diagnosis since it was manic depression and the treatment was lithium until you killed yourself. (Things are better now.) I'm one of the lucky ones that can control it fairly well through diet, exercise, and supplements, and I got a buttload of cognitive therapy and coping mechanisms from about age 6, so I'm not medicated, and I'm also not prone to hallucinations, delusions, or *paranoia.

Well, anyway, as I write this, I have not slept in forty hours.

I'm not tired. I'm extremely productive. I am mellow and cheerful as a hippie stereotype, and every synapse in my brain is being bathed in massive quantities of sweet, sweet serotonin. Life is good, everything is awesome, I'm not tired, this is fun, and wouldn't you like to go for a walk?

It's basically like E, without the pacifiers.

Since Tuesday morning, I have run four miles, practiced yoga, had a fairly stiff rock-climbing session (which I only quit because my climbing partner had had enough), read a book for review, started another one, written over 8000 words (a personal best in wordcount), completed a novel revision, brushed the dog, driven up to my mom's place to split the farm share with her, gone through a massage therapy session (these hurt, and usually leave me pretty wasted afterwards), watched three episodes of Flashpoint (it r0xx0rs, rent it), played two hours of Bookworm, talked myself out of another run because I knew I was fucking tanked to the gills on Nature's uppers--

...I wish I could maintain this for the rest of my life. I could write three novels a year and have plenty of time for everything else I love doing. I would never get tired or bored or sad. I would be one of Nancy Kress's Sleepless, and I would fucking rule.

The problem, of course, is that life is not fiction.

I haven't slept for forty hours and I have no urge at all to sleep now. And even though I feel calm and alert (and with-it enough to remember that even though I feel great, my reflexes are probably not all that, and there are fatigue poisons coursing through my body even if I'm too stoned on happy chemicals to feel them) I know intellectually that there is a price to pay for this happy, happy serotonin bath.

There's a crash, you see. Or worse, there's a manic phase (which I have been trying to head off with lots of fish and running), and my manic phases are not a happy place.

So at this juncture, I will be applying beer and benedryl until I pass the fuck out. Because I can tell already, the alternative is another post like this at 10 pm tomorrow, and the Netflix queueueueueueue doesn't need reducing that much.

Self-medicating. It's okay, as long as you are nice and know better....


*mostly. I do get the occasional fugue state of everbody hates me and I'm a terrible person and I should fall under a truck, but mostly I can correct for those. Except the one that was apparently provoked by some unregulated herbal supplement in my multivitamins, Nov 2007-Apr 2008. That? Fucking sucked.

**I don't get the good mania. I get the fits-of-destructive-rage mania. You wouldn't like me when I'm manic. Fortunately, at this age, I have interrupts installed, mostly.

***Gram Rabbit always reminds me of how much I miss Life. That was some good TV.

****I said moderately.

*****So you've noticed that these end notes are out of order, have you? They are, however, in the order in which I wrote the post--and the end notes.

Revise A Reckoning of Men: August 1
Proposal for Spectra: Sometime soonish in here.
Realms of Fantasy Review Column: August 11 (One more book to read. Then column writing tomorrow)
Review Who Fears Death for Ideomancer (August 1)
Review Kid V. Squid for Tor.com (August 1)
Review The Dervish House for Tor.com (August)
Review Omnitopia Dawn for Tor.com (August)
Review The Life Cycle of Software Objects for Tor.com (August)
Essay for secrit projekt: August 15

Viable Paradise: October 1-10
World Fantasy: October 28-31
Range of Ghosts: November 2 (need to start writing a 6-8 pages a day on Monday.)
"Uniform": November 15 (with stillsostrange, blackholly, coffeeem, willshetterly, and cristalia)
Darkover: November 26-28
The White City chapbook: late fall
"Ligature": January 15 2011
New Amsterdam IV: March 2011
Leprecon 37: May 6-8
Eurocon: June 17-19 2011 (barring volcanoes)
Fourth Street Fantasy Conversation: June 23-26 2011
"The Shaded King": Autumn 2011
Shattered Pillars: November 2 2011
An Apprentice to Elves: December 1 2011 (with truepenny)
The Steles of the Sky : November 2012
No fixed deadline:

Karen Memory
Smile (unless its name is actually Salt Water)
REZ (formely known at the Singularity Rent novel)
Unsuitable Metal
"Untitled Space Opera Thingy"
"Patience & Fortitude" (aka The Mighty Drag Werewolf story)
"Steel Something"
"Spellslinger"
"Posthumous Jonson"
"Untitled Cyberdragon Story"
"The Slaughtered Lamb"
"The Death of Terrestrial Radio"
"On Safari in R'lyeh and Carcosa with Gun and Camera"
"Möbius Heart"



Are you scared? I'm scared.

But right now I'm going to go eat a snack and watch some TV.

Well, that was a pretty productive eight hours. Not only did I finish my bad draft of "Twilight," which still needs a real title--but I also finished the submission draft of A Reckoning of Men. And I went for a two mile run.

And still appear to be unsleepy. I wonder if this will hold out through my massage therapy appointment and my climbing date tonight.

Perhaps I should try to catch a nap in here somewhere.

Tonight, I'm going to try to revise "Twilight."

This just proves to me that I'm right: sleep is an evil plot to rob me of six to eight useful hours of the day. Boo. Think of all the playtime I'm missing because I'm unconscious. If only I could work from say, ten pm to four am every night, and have the rest of the day to do stuff....

All right. Commencing my all-nighter to finish this draft... now.

ETA: and as of 1:01 am, done. Man, that's a shitty draft.

some kind of personal best today, I think, with 6,772 words since 10 am.

Since I appear to still be up, I think I'll start looking at that submission draft of AROM.

I got a little over 4,000 words on the chapbook story today, which I will probably be calling "Twilight," because I can't come up with a better story. I was aiming for 5K with it, and since it was at something just under 3K before today's writing and is now a little over 7K, you can guess that I'm probably not going to hit that target.

It grew a bunch of subplots while I wasn't looking, which is mostly the fault of stillsostrange and tanaise. And frankly, it's kind of self-indulgent, but if you can't self-fanfic for the chapbook story for a limited edition of a novella in an established world, where the heck can you self-fanfic?

I'm having fun, anyway. And it's nearly writing itself.

I think I have like three more scenes to go. If I pull an all-nighter after I pick up the farm share and have dinner with my Mom, I might even finish it tonight, which would be exciting. Because I would like to be done.

I'm really enjoying having a good writing day. Those don't happen as often as they used to.

Maybe I need to be self-indulgent more often.

...or twenty-sixth july.

I have:

• written 2400 words.
• done three loads of laundry
• folded same
• put the clean dishes away
• washed the dirty dishes
• made dinner
• cleaned up after dinner
• brushed the dog for about half an hour
• watched a movie
• put the laundry away

...why do I feel like I haven't accomplished anything?

Oh, right. Because I'm delusional.

I only got half of that short story done, but as much as I badly want to finish it, I think my brain needs some downtime. I'm going to take tomorrow off, I think, and see if that helps any. I'm not sure I remember my last actual day off. (If I haven't been writing, I've been reading for crit and review, which--frankly--is just as mind-consuming. A sad side effect of writing for a living is that I can no longer read for pleasure. The editor brain is firmly stuck in the "on" position.)

I Am A: Neutral Good Human Ranger/Sorcerer (3rd/3rd Level)



Ability Scores:

Strength-15

Dexterity-14

Constitution-17

Intelligence-16

Wisdom-13

Charisma-15


Alignment:
Neutral Good A neutral good character does the best that a good person can do. He is devoted to helping others. He works with kings and magistrates but does not feel beholden to them. Neutral good is the best alignment you can be because it means doing what is good without bias for or against order. However, neutral good can be a dangerous alignment because it advances mediocrity by limiting the actions of the truly capable.


Race:
Humans are the most adaptable of the common races. Short generations and a penchant for migration and conquest have made them physically diverse as well. Humans are often unorthodox in their dress, sporting unusual hairstyles, fanciful clothes, tattoos, and the like.


Primary Class:
Rangers are skilled stalkers and hunters who make their home in the woods. Their martial skill is nearly the equal of the fighter, but they lack the latter's dedication to the craft of fighting. Instead, the ranger focuses his skills and training on a specific enemy a type of creature he bears a vengeful grudge against and hunts above all others. Rangers often accept the role of protector, aiding those who live in or travel through the woods. His skills allow him to move quietly and stick to the shadows, especially in natural settings, and he also has special knowledge of certain types of creatures. Finally, an experienced ranger has such a tie to nature that he can actually draw on natural power to cast divine spells, much as a druid does, and like a druid he is often accompanied by animal companions. A ranger's Wisdom score should be high, as this determines the maximum spell level that he can cast.


Secondary Class:
Sorcerers are arcane spellcasters who manipulate magic energy with imagination and talent rather than studious discipline. They have no books, no mentors, no theories just raw power that they direct at will. Sorcerers know fewer spells than wizards do and acquire them more slowly, but they can cast individual spells more often and have no need to prepare their incantations ahead of time. Also unlike wizards, sorcerers cannot specialize in a school of magic. Since sorcerers gain their powers without undergoing the years of rigorous study that wizards go through, they have more time to learn fighting skills and are proficient with simple weapons. Charisma is very important for sorcerers; the higher their value in this ability, the higher the spell level they can cast.


Find out What Kind of Dungeons and Dragons Character Would You Be?, courtesy of Easydamus (e-mail)



Yeah, that's probably about right. Wisdom is my dump stat. *g*

Home from the D&D game. Now I must clean my bedroom, because TBRE tore up our grubby carpets while I was out today (best! roomie! ever!) and now I have to unpile my bed so I can sleep in it.

(We're going to paint the boards and put down area rugs.)

Tomorrow, I need to write as much of a short story as possible. Which may be a challenge, because I still don't know what it's about.

I am exhausted today, but yesterday was a very good climbing day. I redid that 5.10, and redid a 5.8 I've done before (not as well this time, but I was more tired). And got a new and very hard 5.9 that took eight tries to figure out how to even get on. Then a new-to-me 5.8.

All of these were moderately to extremely overhung.

And then, being pumped and schraped and generally ass-kicked, I panted up a little 5.6 just to test myself to failure.

Today, unsurprisingly, my neck hurts.

Today is my D&D game. In a minute here I have to drive to Fall River.

I will be using the time in the car, hopefully, to think about the short story I want to write tomorrow.

Whew. Okay, only four more books to read for my reviewing chores this month. You'd think this was work or something.

Actually, it's good work to have. Because it's work that is not writing fiction, and I'm still pretty empty-head on the fiction front. Of course, my time off has not been exactly time off, as I've been working on various projects--but the mental space freed up by Not Writing A Novel is huge. I'm actually contemplating putting off starting Range of Ghosts for a bit, because I need some more of that mental space to get some stuff accomplished here. Like this short story I owe, and the book proposals I need to get written.

And because I'm well into oh my god please don't make me write another novel already it's too soon territory.

On the other hand, the get in and get it over with bug is whispering in my other ear. Who can say which will win?

I wish I knew what this short story was about. Because I want it off my to-do list. Maybe I can brainstorm that on Sunday when I'm driving all over Hades.

Second Jukido class today, and again I really enjoyed it. I'm a very little-endian thinker: for me it's practical first and theoretical third, and that is very much the way this martial art approaches learning. I think I lucked out here.

Well, that was ever-so-slightly apocalyptic.

Today I finished a draft of "Spell 81a" (with stillsostrange). I canned a lot of carrots and parsnips. And then I drove down to Wallingford to meet The Jeff at the climbing gym.

Halfway there, I hit a band of severe thunderstorms that were throwing golfball-sized hailstones and blinding sheets of water around. Survived that, arrived at the gym, stretched out and practiced breakfalls and cartwheels (you know, I should not be allowed around gymnasium mats) and then when The Jeff and Mark-the-guy-who-is-climbing-with-us arrived, proceeded to climb.

And I got my 5.10 again, better this time. And then sailed up a sandbagged 5.7 on a fairly steep overhang that gave me serious trouble last week. (The routesetter thinks it's a 5.9-, but at Prime Climb we grade by acclaim, and people who climb 5.13 should not be allowed to rate anything lower than a 10.)

I feel strong!

Now I will do some reading, because I must.

Man, I could use some time to just grow back in here somewhere....

Also, after months of good behavior, the damned cat peed on the rug again. Probably because she and the monster kjitten are spatting.


Revise Grail: July 15
</strike>
Revise A Reckoning of Men: August 1

Revise "Spell 81a": July 15 (with stillsostrange)

Readercon: July 8-11

Realms of Fantasy Review Column: August 11

Essay for secrit projekt: August 15

Proposal for Spectra: Sometime soonish in here.

Viable Paradise: October 1-10

World Fantasy: October 28-31

Range of Ghosts: November 2

"Uniform": November 15 (with stillsostrange, blackholly, coffeeem, willshetterly, and cristalia)

Darkover: November 26-28

The White City chapbook: late fall

"Ligature": January 15 2011

New Amsterdam IV: March 2011

Leprecon 37: May 6-8

Eurocon: June 17-19 2011 (barring volcanoes)

Fourth Street Fantasy Conversation: June 23-26 2011

"The Shaded King": Autumn 2011

Shattered Pillars: November 2 2011

An Apprentice to Elves: December 1 2011 (with truepenny)

The Steles of the Sky : November 2012

No fixed deadline:

Karen Memory
Smile (unless its name is actually Salt Water)
REZ (formely known at the Singularity Rent novel)
Unsuitable Metal
"Untitled Space Opera Thingy"
"Patience & Fortitude" (aka The Mighty Drag Werewolf story)
"Steel Something"
"Spellslinger"
"Posthumous Jonson"
"Untitled Cyberdragon Story"
"The Slaughtered Lamb"
"The Death of Terrestrial Radio"
"On Safari in R'lyeh and Carcosa with Gun and Camera"
"Möbius Heart"

My virtuposity, I show you it.

What I did with my evening:



Also, made ratatouille and salad caprese. Which was delicious. And froze the yield from four ears of corn.

We bad.

Also, we feets hurt.

Item: Tor.com is selling ebook versions of 12 of it's 13 first-year stories for $.99 each, including my "The Girl Who Sang Rose Madder," (the first in what PNH calls my "Life Sucks, Let's Be Monsters" Tor.com diptych).

Item: "Spell 81a" is under deathmarch by myself and stillsostrange, resulting in a wordcount of 977 words for me yesterday. All my bits are done, and she has two scenes left, so today I get to read Who Fears Death and cheer wildly. Then we turn the hounds loose on it, since I'm pretty sure the continuity is borked, but my eyes are swimming.

Item: Happy trails, stillnotbored!

Item: jaylake, I love ya, man.

Item: Today is a Rest Day. Because I have been an extremely virtuous bear of late*, and my muscles are telling me about it. And anyway, I do have to go pick up the farm share later today, which involves a certain amount of toil in the hot sun picking fava beans. And then there will be pickling of things. At least it's supposed to cool down tonight. And rain, which we still need badly.

*despite this virtue, I have somehow gained weight. And not, alas, muscle. The law of thermodynamics does not apply to bears.

Item: The Secrit Projekt I have been working on with kylecassidy is in the process of being packaged up and will soon be available via Etsy*. If you make nice Etsy shops, he might want to talk to you.

*It's not exactly a book, you see...

Item: 332.1 miles to Minas Tirith

Pear butter (with pears from the backyard) and parsnips I grew myself. This is very satisfying.

I wonder what I shall do with the parsnips....

I just collected about a dozen unripe windfall pears, victims of the thunderstorm two nights ago. I quartered them--they were like little rocks--seeded them and removed any buggy bits, and combined them with water, cloves, palm sugar, and nutmeg to make a pint and a half of pear butter. The water bath is coming up to temperature so that I can process the jars, and then they'll go in the basement with the others.

We had a jar of the first batch of pickles at the party yesterday, and they were good. A little high on the vinegar-to-water ratio, and they needed a bit more sugar, but good. I'll probably be putting up a few more quarts of pickles tomorrow, as I expect the farm share will have a hell of a lot of summer squash in it. Maybe I'll even try pressure canning some, although summer squash pickles are really good. Also, I want to sweet-pickle some pearl onions. Maybe I'll throw a hot pepper in that jar, too.

And this is one of the things I love about life: that I can take something that would just be thrown on the compost heap and make food out of it,

This reminds me, obliquely, of how Rick Springfield saved my life.

I know I've talked about it before, but the great thing about "Jessie's Girl" is that it is a fabulous example of an unreliable narrator who doesn't know he's unreliable. Like David Bowie's narrator in "Cracked Actor," this guy is a real piece of work, and totally unaware that the reason behind all his problems is, well, him.

When I was younger, I didn't get that there was such a thing as an unreliable narrator, or that one of the great techniques of art is to put the reader in the head of somebody with whom he (and the author!)fundamentally disagrees, and that this can evoke a far, far more nuanced response than merely presenting a didactic argument against something.

Any teacher knows that students learn and think best when allowed to draw their own conclusions.

Interestingly, the last time I brought this up, one commenter (I don't remember who)mentioned per feelings that Rick Springfield should have made "Jessie's Girl" didactic--that is, impossible to misinterpret.

I have been thinking about that, and think that's wrong.

Didactic literature has its place, certainly--there is room in the world for Black Beauty and Little Brother--but I can't help but think that the flash of insight--the epiphany--that I got when I figured out how the narrative in "Jessie's Girl" worked was more than worth the distaste I felt for the song prior to getting a clue. Because it taught me tings--things about interacting with the world, things about how people I disagreed with might see themselves and me--that I wouldn't have figured out from just being told, "Hey, guys who act like this are schmucks."

I think I like Zelazny the better for having made me like Corwin before I figured out that Corwin was a lying liar who lies, and also kind of an asshole. I love Steve Brust's Agyar precisely because you can't trust the narrator. And I love "Jessie's Girl."

Because that's art that reflects a verity--people do not see themselves truly, and nor do we see anyone else as they are, but through a lens of projection. Are some people going to get confused by this? Well, yes.

But in this, as in everything in art, it is not actually our job to aim for the lowest common denominator. Nor (as greygirlbeast said at ReaderCon in different terms) is it our job to make readers cozy and comfortable no matter what. First of all, we can't--it is physically impossible to write something everyone will find comfortable. Second, it's our job to tell the truth, as much of it as we can compass, and the truth is often pretty hard to hear.

And after all, I tell lies to strangers for money.


Oh, porphyrin and mrissa -- here are those two Bowie videos I was trying to find for you and failing. (NB: the second song may be kind of triggery for some, as it's narrated from the point of view of an adult survivor of child sexual abuse in intense emotional turmoil, and it doesn't pull any punches.)

Item the first: NEW SHADOW UNIT!

Today my usual partners in crime and I went to visit friends in Guilford who have a really cute tiny house right on the sea, no doubt complete with the sort of insane property taxes that have been driving normal folks off Connecticut's coastline for the last decade or so. (Thank you, housing bubble.)

Anyway, we hung out, and went kayaking across the harbor (my first ocean kayaking ever) and through a salt marsh, where we saw several (three) osprey nests, a bunch of white egrets, some blue crabs, and some clams. Also, I got a sunburn across my shoulders. Despite religious application of sunblock. Oops. There are no photos of this, due to danger to the camera.

We also swam, and then went out for a cruise of the scenic Thimble Islands. If you've ever heard it said of some wealthy person that they have a house in same, here are some photos to give an idea what that means. (I love the Scenic Tree in the second one.)

This is Mother-In-Law's Island.  THIS is Captain Kidd's Cove.

 

Yes, that Captain Kidd.

And this is a loader on a barge, because it cracked me up.

1) Abby Franquemont, Respect the Spindle
2) Phil and Kaja Foglio, Girl Genius vol. 7
3) Amanda Downum, The Bone Palace (draft)
4) Katherine Addison, The Goblin Emperor (draft)
5) Carrie Vaughn, Kitty's House of Horrors
6) Gene Wolfe, The Sorcerer's House
7) Robin Hobb, Dragon Keeper
8) Jon Evans, The Executor
9) Graham Joyce, How to Make Friends with Demons
10) Adrian Phoenix, Beneath the Skin
11) John Weatherford, Genghis Khan and the Making of the Modern World
12) John Weatherford, Secret History of the Mongol Queens
13) John Man, Genghis Khan: His Life, Death, and Resurrection
14) John McPhee, Oranges
15) Jim Butcher, Changes
16) Carolyn Crane, Mind Games
17) Seanan McGuire, A Local Habitation
18) Janni Lee Simner, Thief Eyes
18) Laura Bickle, Embers
19) Tayari Jones, Leaving Atlanta
20) Malinda Lo, Ash
21) Molly Gloss, The Hearts of Horses
22) Kelly Parra, Graffiti Girl
23) Ian Tregillis, Bitter Seeds
24) Margaret Ronald, Wild Hunt
25) Dashiell Hammett, The Thin Man
26) Dashiell Hammett, Red Harvest
27) Eva Hornung, Dog Boy
28) John Bellairs, The Letter, the Witch, and the Ring
29) Elmore Leonard, Split Image
30) Brent E. Turvey, Criminal Profiling: An Introduction to Behavioral Evidence Analysis
31) Dr. Robert Girod, Sr., Profiling The Criminal Mind: Behavioral Science and Criminal Investigative Analysis
32) Walter Mosley, Devil in a Blue Dress
33) Dolen Perkins-Valdez, Wench
34) Barbara Neely, Blanche on the Lam
35) Robin Hob, Dragon Haven
36) J. A. Pitts, Black Blade Blues
37) Carrie Vaughn, Discord's Apple
38) Galen Beckett, The Magicians & Mrs. Quent
39) Pat Cadigan, Tea from an Empty Cup
40) Jonathan Lethem, Gun, with Occasional Music
41) Paolo Bacigalupi, Ship Breaker
42) Greg Van Eekhout, Kid vs. Squid
43) Charles Stross, Glasshouse
44) Juhn Mann, Kublai Khan
45) Alayna Williams, Dark Oracle
46) Kelley Armstrong, Waking the Witch

Tonight, TBRE, The Jeff, and I attended a Jukido class at the local community center, which was far, far more awesome than I expected. (The first class was last week: TBRE and The Jeff attended, but I was probably on my second scotch in the Readercon pub by then. My body is totally a temple. In that it expects regular libations...)

I'm in love. Sensei is, at first association, a wonderful teacher (and firmly in the Socratic mode of letting us make mistakes and then showing us a better way to do it); the senpai (all of whom are about a third my age) are generous and welcoming, and I have found that I really enjoy being tossed on my ass by people half my size. I kind of adore sensei--he's a soft-spoken Engineering Ph.D from Cuba with a name so charming I'm not sure he isn't a fictional character.

Today's work was breakfall, rear choke, side choke, and mugger's holds (the breaking thereof). I have taken a little kickboxing, karate, and qigong in the past; one thing that I loved about this class was how fast and how practical it was. And also, falling is MUCH more fun than doing forms. I may be a little giddy with joy, actually.

Tomorrow, climbing (and more reading, which today was also mostly given to) and I plan to practice falling some on the gym mats; Sunday, reading and a kayaking trip.

It's a dog's life.

Via maryrobinette, one fabulous parody: