Eric Scoles: Fun Stuff

Cool! I always wanted to be a minion!

Sat, 02 Nov 2002 14:10:02 GMT

Hey, now here's a job opportunity I hadn't thought of: Minion of COBRA, the evil foes of G.I. Joe! And you don't seem to even need any skills! I'm sure I'll be just the guy to show those G.I. Joes what COBRA is made of! Thanks, McSweeney's!

Mon, 19 Aug 2002 16:34:15 GMT

"I'd rather be a good bad poet than a bad great poet."
-- Ogden Nash

Story [RealAudio] courtesy NPR's Morning Edition.

Sat, 10 Aug 2002 21:24:19 GMT

From Salon via Daypop Top News Stories: Why we should invade Iraq -- right now! [direct link] [Flash req'd] I'm convinced!

For Hire: Geek Liaison. Will Work For Money.

Fri, 09 Aug 2002 18:28:52 GMT

From the Daypop Top 40, I have taken the Polygeek Quiz [direct link] at Thudfactor.com. Verdict: I "go both ways"...

You are 46% geek

You are a geek liaison, which means you go both ways. You can hang out with normal people or you can hang out with geeks which means you often have geeks as friends and/or have a job where you have to mediate between geeks and normal people. This is an important role and one of which you should be proud. In fact, you can make a good deal of money as a translator.

Normal: Tell our geek we need him to work this weekend.

You [to Geek]: We need more than that, Scotty. You'll have to stay until you can squeeze more outta them engines!

Geek [to You]: I'm givin' her all she's got, Captain, but we need more dilithium crystals!

You [to Normal]: He wants to know if he gets overtime.

Take the Polygeek Quiz at Thudfactor.com

Mon, 05 Aug 2002 16:42:12 GMT

Mad Magazine is 50 years old.

Sure, it's not what it used to be. What is? What should be? It's still kinda sophomoric and silly. But somehow that doesn't bother me much. I'd rather have the kids reading Mad than swallowing the Party Line with the hook and the sinker attached.

Science Made Stupid

Wed, 17 Jul 2002 22:58:21 GMT

Many moons ago, my eldest brother gave me as a birthday present a copy of a wonderful book called SCIENCE MADE STUPID [direct link]. (It was probably the last gift from him that wasn't some form of Christian propaganda.)

That book gave me many a sidesplitting belly laugh. Now, some wonderful soul, clearly taking account of the fact that the book appears to be out of print, has reproduced parts on the web.

From the Introduction:

Introduction

Since the dawn of time, man has looked to the heavens and wondered: where did the stars come from? He has looked at the great diversity of plants and animals around him and wondered: where did life come from? He has looked at himself and wondered: where did I come from?

Later, he began to ask more complicated questions. He looked in his wallet and asked: where did my paycheck go? Am I on the right bus? Who do you like in the series? To the former questions, at least, science has provided answers.

What is Science?

Put most simply, science is a way of dealing with the world around us. It is a way of baffling the uninitiated with incomprehensible jargon. It is a way of obtaining fat government grants. It is a way of achieving mastery over the physical world by threatening it with destruction.

Science represents mankind's deepest aspirations - aspirations to power, to wealth, to the satisfaction of sheer animal lusts.

The cornerstone of modern science is the scientific method. Scientists first formulate hypotheses, or predictions, about nature. Then they perform experiments to test their hypotheses. There are two forms of scientific method, the inductive and the deductive.

INDUCTIVE: DEDUCTIVE:

formulate hypothesis

apply for grant

perform experiments or gather data to test hypothesis

alter data to fit hypothesis

publish

formulate hypothesis

apply for grant

perform experiments or gather data to test hypothesis

revise hypothesis to fit data

backdate revised hypothesis

publish

Science for Everyone

Sound simple? It is.

Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane complexities. Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science.

Today, all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is available to anyone. Popular science books, magazines and computer programs - with their simple, fatuous and misleading prose, their garish illustrations, their flimsy modern production values - have brought science within the reach of anyone who can afford their inflated prices or who can mooch off someone else.

Indeed, today a myriad of sources are available to explain science facts that science itself has never dreamed of.

This web site is one of them.

INDUCTIVE:	DEDUCTIVE:
formulate hypothesis apply for grant perform experiments or gather data to test hypothesis alter data to fit hypothesis publish	formulate hypothesis apply for grant perform experiments or gather data to test hypothesis revise hypothesis to fit data backdate revised hypothesis publish

Time for us all to do our part...

Tue, 16 Jul 2002 21:02:35 GMT

... to combat the latest anti-communist measures [direct link] (courtesy Daypop Top 40). If you're really motivated, you can even head over to A Small Victory to join S.P.O.R.K.

Quote of the Moment / Thing to Remember

Tue, 16 Jul 2002 20:02:15 GMT

A noble spirit embiggens even the smallest man.
-- Jebediah Springfield

Word for the Moment: CONSERVATIVE

Mon, 15 Jul 2002 19:52:47 GMT

conservative (n.) A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.
-- Ambrose Bierce (Devil's Dictionary)
(from RWA)

Shooby-Shooby....

Thu, 11 Jul 2002 21:35:57 GMT

From Metafilter, a sample of deep musical strangeness that must be ... must be something -- celebrated, preserved, forgotton, expunged from the universe, I just don't know... see for yourself -- I listened, and it hasn't affected me WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU STARING AT? GO BACK TO PLUTO! WE DON'T NEED YOUR COWS HERE!!!

posted by 40 Watt » July 11 9:20 AM | 3 comments. Who the heck is Shooby Taylor?By all accounts, he is (or rather, was...it appears he's dead) a musical outsider, but one blessed with a truly bizarre style. Just take one listen to his...unique version of "Lift Every Voice and Sing"(warning: MP3 file, hilarious)... it's pure gold. And there's plenty more where that came from... [MetaFilter]

"Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev were all travelling together in a railway carriage...."

Thu, 11 Jul 2002 19:17:08 GMT

Ever wonder what kind of jokes Russians tell about Americans?

A Russian and an American are talking:
- When I'm in a good mood I drive a car painted a light color, says the American. When I'm busy or have a lot of troubles, I drive a darker colored car. When I go for vacation overseas, I pick a brightly colored car.
- Things are much easier in Russia, says the Russian. If you are in a good mood, they will give you a ride in yellow car with a blue stripe. If you feel bad, the car will be white and the stripe red. I was abroad only once, and there I drove a tank.

The political jokes are a little more stereotypically Russian:

A chairman asked Rabinowich why he skipped the last Party meeting.
-"I didn't know that meeting supposed to be the last one," he answered with a grin of surprise.

(Courtesy MetaFilter [thread], via Cam.)

ADDENDUM: These are a lot better:

A joke current in the USSR during the late 1930s - reprinted in an article on Soviet anecdotal humour in 1957:

A flock of sheep were stopped by frontier guards at the Russo-Finnish border. "Why do you wish to leave Russia?" the guards asked them. "It's the NKVD", replied the terrified sheep. "Beria's ordered them to arrest all elephants." "But you aren't elephants!" the guards pointed out. "Try telling that to the NKVD!"

Start off the day with something fun...

Tue, 09 Jul 2002 13:29:24 GMT

... or scary, depending on how you look at it. A "new" [ahem!] view of Our Vice President, courtesy of YoohaNews *:

Vice President Dick Cheney holds a knife as he prepares to slice off his own penis and flush it down the toilet January 30, 2002. "It is written in Bible that if a part of your body distances you from God, and makes you commit a sin, you should cut it off," Cheney told reporters. According to urologist Aerton Barbosa Neves, who operated on Cheney, he will now have to urinate through a tube, but can still impregnate someone, "albeit only with medical assistance." (Dick LaWaque/Reuters)

--
*Get it before it's injuncted!

What Do You Call 1000 Lawyers Chained Together At The Bottom Of The Ocean?

Sun, 07 Jul 2002 19:27:05 GMT

Little story: Once when I was in my early 20s -- I think it was right after I'd dropped out of college -- my mother said to me sadly, "You were always so good at arguments. I always had such hopes that you might become a lawyer."

Flabbergasted, I replied: "But mom, you hate lawyers!"

It took her a moment to respond. "Yes," she finally said, "but I hoped that you'd be an exception."

If I lived in the Denver area, and I had legal problems, I'd definitely consider hiring these guys. Too bad they don't do criminal... AHEM.

From their homepage:

Powers Phillips, P.C., is a small law firm located in downtown Denver, Colorado within convenient walking distance of over fifty bars and a couple of doughnut shops. Powers Phillips also maintains a small satellite office-in-exile on the cow-covered hillsides near Carbondale, Colorado, where it puts out to pasture some of its aging attorneys.

The firm is composed of lawyers from the two major strains of the legal profession, those who litigate and those who wouldn't be caught dead in a courtroom.

Litigation lawyers are the type who will lie, cheat and steal to win a case and who can't complete a sentence without the words "I object" or "I demand another extension on that filing deadline." Many people believe that litigation lawyers are the reason all lawyers are held in such low esteem by the public. Powers Phillips, P.C. is pleased to report that only four of its lawyers, Trish Bangert, Tom McMahon, Tamara Vincelette, and JoAnne Zboyan are litigation lawyers, and only one of them is a man.

Lawyers who won't be caught dead in a courtroom are often referred to in the vernacular as "loophole lawyers," underhanded wimps who use their command of legal gobbledygook to scam money from the unsuspecting, usually widows and orphans. Many people believe that such "loophole lawyers" are the reason all lawyers are held in such low esteem by the public. Powers Phillips, P.C. is pleased to report that only four of its lawyers, Myra Lansky, Kathy Powers, Mary Phillips, and Jay Powers, are such "loophole lawyers" and one of them, Jay Powers, hardly does anything at all anyway so he doesn't really count.

And who said "honest lawyer" was a contradiction in terms? (BTW, consider signing up for their "Bitches From Hell Reporter" newsletter...)

Battleship [Flash 5]

Sat, 06 Jul 2002 22:46:29 GMT

Just what it sounds like -- a Flash Battleship game. Froze up on me part way through in Linux, but I imagine it works fine on more mainstream Flash implementations:

"Battleships" [Daypop Top 40]

Is Truth Really That Much Stranger?

Mon, 01 Jul 2002 16:00:27 GMT

From MetaFilter:

"Babe Ruth and I were teammates on the Yankees—and lovers, too. It was no big deal back then. After Sunday games were over, lots of players and writers would come by our little flat in the Morrisania section of the Bronx for one of Babe's famous bean dinners. I also remember the evening when Babe, wearing his familiar pink housecoat, turned out a nice catfish stew for Commissioner Kenesaw Mountain Landis. Everyone in baseball knew how it was with me and Babe. After the company had gone home and we'd done the dishes, he would lie in my arms and I'd whisper, 'You are my bambino.'" [MeFi discussion]

Kids, I don't make 'em up, I just report 'em. Though nobody on the thread seems to take it too seriously.... Side note: someone was good enough to post a link to the Amazon "preview" of a similar (but much, much funnier) David Sedaris piece that I'd forgotten about....

More From The "I Couldn't Make This Up" Department

Tue, 07 May 2002 21:35:51 GMT

From Daypop, here's your chance to sign the "rename "The Two Towers" to something less offensive" petition. A representative sample of signatory comments:

"I support America, and so should you." -- Richard James
"Ludicrous, but somehow meaningful." -- Darcy Brennan
"What are they thinking?!?!" -- Angelis Ashe
"I agree, the director Mr. Tolkien should immediately change the name for the respect of the people lost in the empire state building crash, the families of mr Trump will be hurt when they see this movie,, making it would be wrong!" -- Vi Scid
"i pray every day that mr jackson will see the light and pull the plug on this project. Mr Tolkien if that is his indead his real name does not seem to be a very christian person to be so cynically cashing in on this tragedy. " -- cathy clinton
"Shocking. Truly shocking." -- Deyth Valkyrre
"TOLKIEN WAS A PROFIT, HE PREDICTED WTC BOMBING 47 YEARS BEFORE THE FACT, AND THE THIRD MOVIE IS RETURN OF THE KING. JESUS IS COMING BACK YOU HAD BETTER RECOGNIZE" -- Omid
"they have no sensitivity, i wont even let my two twin kids stand next to each other out of respect for 9/11. " -- Paul
"What about the Children? Who is thinking abou tthe Children" -- Bastards
"it should be called: 'The Two Landmarks'" -- Linda Medelberg
"THOSE INSENSITIVE BASTERDS. THE ATTACKS ON SEPTEMBER 11 HAVE AFFECTED ME VERY DEEPLY. IF THIS ASS HOLE IS ALLOWED TO KEEP THIS TITLE, I WILL KILL MYSELF. JESUS CHRIST, I STILL CANT LOOK AT THE NUMBER 11 WITH OUT CRYING. SEE, I'M CRYING RIGHT NOW. I'M ALSO TO AFRAID TO CALL THE POLICE. THEIR NUMBER (WHICH I WILL NAME XXX FOR NOW) SCARES ME, IF I WAS IN AN EMERGANCY, I WOULD NOT DIAL XXX FOR FEAR OF FARTHER RETALIATION FROM THOSE SCARY TERRORISTS. PLEASE TAKE THESE CORPORATE BASTERDS DOWN FOR EXPLOITING THE STILL OPEN WOUNDS OF PATRIOTIC AMERICANS EVERYWHERE. LONG LIVE THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD, WHICH I LIVE, AND WOULD DIE FOR. AMERICA!!!! w00t! ps. please save my internet access :D " -- matt beggs
"Oh thank you so much for this. Those shameless moneymongers care for nothing but themselves. Baby Jesus cries every day because of them. Every single day. Could you please start a petition to stop those fascist police from using 911 as their phone number too? That is also something that bothers me." -- Sigmund Wonder
"This is one sweet-ass petition! " -- Geoffrey Moses
"A subscription has been entered in your name to the Clue of the Month Club." -- Agnes

Mon, 06 May 2002 13:39:05 GMT

Doonesbury for Sunday...

'Course, far be it from me to suggest that them kids today is ungrateful louts. I seem to remember a few of those from when I was a kid. But they do seem to be louder about it.

"So you've decided to be evil..."

Mon, 29 Apr 2002 21:08:35 GMT

From Daypop: "Evil Plan Generator".

Here's what it came up with for me:

Your objective is simple: Soul Accumulation.
Your motive is a little bit more complex: Madness

Stage One

To begin your plan, you must first seduce a famous actor/actress. This will cause the world to sit up and take notice, stunned by your arrival. Who is this despoiler of all that is good and nice and true? Where did they come from? And why do they look so good in classic black?

Stage Two

Next, you will desecrate the Internet. This will cause countless hordes of cultists to flock to you, begging to do your every bidding. Your name will become synonymous with all that is wrong with the world, as lesser men whisper your name in terror.

Stage Three

Finally, you will unleash your great supernatural forces, bringing about an end to sanity. This will all be done from a Abandoned Church, an excellent choice if we might say.
These three deeds will herald the end, and the citizens of this planet will have no choice but to elect you their new god.
Trust us, it'll all come together in the end.

The $20K Zig

Sat, 27 Apr 2002 10:54:14 GMT

All Your Smurf Are Belong To Smurf.